And you ask why I’m still so bitter? Oh, you know…being with you for 3 years and believing everything you EVER told me was a bold face lie, while you hurt me in the worst way possible while I’m carrying YOUR baby. Oh, I’m sorry. Silly me for being a human being and having real feelings. I’m not spending another day feeling guilty about what I’ve done. I’ve learned here recently, from watching Nip/Tuck actually, that it’s only about YOUR OWN happiness. I did what I did a year ago for a reason, and even if I second guess myself everyday of my life, I KNOW i did the right thing. For you and for me. So keep hating me. Keep telling yourself that I’m the horrible person. Keep telling yourself I was unfaithful, because in all honesty, I was not. I have nothing to hide now. I DID NOT. I did not have ANY relations (sexually or emotionally) with a single person until we were already done. And big deal, I had SEX with someone YOU KNOW. At least it wasn’t your best friend. At least I was honest with EVERYONE about it. Including myself. I didn’t plan a relationship with Jason. HONESTLY, i was distressed and needed COMFORT. Comfort you didn’t give me. Comfort that HADN’T been given to me. At least I’m an adult about it and can say “Hey, it started out just Jason and I having sex. We liked the same interests, the same music, we had a lot in common. I didn’t want a relationship after you, I was honestly more interested in just the sex until I actually felt something”.
AND THAT CHANGED MY GAME PLAN. Actually, I didn’t have a game plan. I had no idea what I was doing actually. And while you still think I planned all of this, I didn’t plan for ANY of the last year to happen.
And I just realized while I was writing this…why I even care about ANY of this. I don’t, except for the little piece of my heart that is sad because you aren’t here right now. After you dad died, and I supported you through and through that entire thing, I had comfort (for the first time in our entire relationship) in knowing you would be here to do that same thing for me when my mom died. Morbid I know, but you understand.
And here lately, I’m scared for my mom. And I feel like there is this weight sitting on my chest. And I have a hard time showing how weak I can be sometimes. So I cry while no one looks and deal with it on my own and this is getting to be a little hard.
I’m sorry if anyone takes this blog as “i miss you”, or “I love you”, or if you take my bitterness as hate (it’s not I’m over it) or even that I “don’t want to be with Jason”, or if it hurts anyone’s feelings. It’s not that. I love Jason unconditionally. It’s just hard to experience something when for years, you had already known how you were going to get through it. And then, when that person just says “Oh” when you thought maybe, JUST MAYBE, you would have gotten a little more comfort than that.
DON’T EVEN READ THIS. It’s stupid and I have no idea what the fuck I’m even babbling about….
I guess what I’m saying is, for the first time in my life, I’m scared. And I have no coping method.
